It seems to me that for far too long the church has been relatively silent on the issue of domestic violence and abuse in marriage.  I think it is for a couple of reasons.

First of all, a lot of pastors avoid controversial issues.  We’re all tempted to do it, but we shouldn’t give in.  Messages that deal with domestic violence hit close to home because there is domestic violence that is occuring right underneath our noses and we’re not sure what to do with the fall-out that will occur if we choose to talk about it.

It isn’t just avoidance, though.  We also want to be biblically accurate as we counsel women (and occasionally men) about the future of their marriages/separation/divorce, etc.  Now that is a healthy fear!  We need to be accurate in our handling of scripture as we counsel our congregations.

Having said that, most of us haven’t cared deeply enough to take a hard look at what scripture really says about legitimate reasons for separation and divorce.

Think about it: in cases involving adultery, many pastors would give their blessing (albeit reluctantly) on a woman’s decision to leave her cheating spouse (Matthew 5).  BUT, the same pastor would most likely struggle with counseling a beaten or emotionally abused woman to do the same thing.  Why?  Because with just a quick look at the New Testament, it appears that God would not support a woman leaving her husband on the grounds that he abused her.

Here’s the truth…as pastors who handle God’s Word, we do need to be careful, but that does not take away our responsibility to properly understand scripture.  Just recently I came across a wonderful resource in a man named David Instone-Brewer.  He has a ton of expertise regarding the Bible and is presently the senior research fellow in rabbinics and the New Testament at Tyndale House in Cambridge.

Here is what I learned.  Jesus was speaking to first century Jewish culture and to truly understand how the Jews were understanding his instructions, we have to understand Jewish culture more thoroughly.

For instance, our present day traditional marriage vows (to love/honor/respect) are based upon the book of Exodus where God said that all people were due food/clothing/love in marriage and that if those basic needs were neglected, then those affected were able to obtain a divorce.

The Apostle Paul affirmed these teachings in 1 Corinthians 7 when he said that married couples owed each other love and material support.  He didn’t say that neglect of these needs was grounds for divorce, because he didn’t need to.  It was already clearly understood.

So what about abuse?  Divorce for abuse was also allowed because abuse is an extreme form of neglect.  First century Jews understood this and we need to understand it too and properly counsel broken and hurt people.

Jesus was clear about his mission in Matthew 5:17:

¹⁷“Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them.

Jesus didn’t come to do away with the Old Testament but to fulfill it.  In this case, Jesus came to give a proper perspective on divorce.  He confronted the false Jewish ideas about divorce that were prevalent in his time.  You see, there was a group of Jewish people that believed that the Old Testament allowed for divorce for “any cause.”  In other words, if for ANY reason a man wanted to divorce his wife, they believed it was ok.

Jesus said no and pointed back to the actual intent of the Old Testament law.

Let me be clear: divorce is not God’s best and should rarely happen. God wants reconciliation between us and him and between us and other people.  However, there are times when the option to divorce is scripturally acceptable.

1.  Adultery (in Deuteronomy 24 and Matthew 19)

2.  Emotional and Physical neglect (including abuse and abandonment) (Exodus 21 and 1 Corinthians 7)

May God be honored as we seek to follow him with out hearts and minds and may he liberate all whom suffer at the hands or from the words of their spouses.

Peace,

Neil